Anchored On the Edge of Life

Journal entry from April 2008 as the most reflective time of my life - graciously on the windy beach of Santa Cruz, California.

I feel I am so much like the sail boat that has been anchored at the edge of the ocean.

As much "on" the ocean as the yachts, cruise boats, otters and "surfer dudes" who move beyond that which is anchored. Stalled. 

Positioned and waiting for what? 

To journey where?

There is a part of me that desires to see the mast raise and the boat sail away ....maybe when that boat sails it will be a sign to me that the time of anchoring and rest has ended for me as well.

I feel like that boat....alone and yet a focal point of something yet to come. The power to sail is there...yet restrained during a waiting time in the journey to something unseen.

In the middle of the scene... a front row view of the action....yet forced to stay still.

Surrounded by wild life - surfers in groups representing those who know their purpose in life...the human surfer...the whales...the sea lion....the otter. I see them all as they go past the anchored boat and I wonder how their intention in life is so seemingly clear to them that it is what they seem to do without thought or worry.

Of of this playing out of destiny surrounded by the enormous sky and sea that captures the majesty of The Creator.

Myself like the boat I ponder. We are both seemingly small, yet great at some level. Weak yet courageous. Silent but shouting something very loud in the stillness just in the waiting. Free yet anchored.

Surfers come and go - boats race by and sea creatures seem aware but the boat stays anchored , never sailing , held tight by an unseen force beneath the water's depth.

Held back till the perfect time to be set free to sail , navigate and journey through the waves of live's unknown destiny.

As I expectantly await the day of it's release I wonder about it's journey. I wonder about mine.

Written by Debbie Kesley, 


Breathe......Just Breathe!


Please click on the link above and watch Ryan Star's Video > Breathe

One day this will be an old entry and I expect to be in an entirely different place than today....but today I choose to be vulnerable in my writings.

I have thought so many times about how I came to the place I am today.....what could I have done differently?  I've been judged critically by my birth father and even at times those friends who are closest to me.  I have also been loved to pieces by my real Pappa and housed, fed and treated like a queen by friends who have reached out at times when I felt like giving up.

I've learned to give that 19 year old a break for marrying young - she believed in love.  I've congratulated the 21 year old for in the mist of some very challenging circumstances she raised two great kids who are affecting society in a positive way.  I've developed ways of comforting the middle aged divorcee and held her hand while she grieved and learned to face an entire different world than the one she had known for 23 years. I've looked in the mirror at the new person in front of me and honestly been able to say "You Rock!"  Those are some of the journey stages that I have gone through.....my journey.....only my life and it's crazy twists and turns.....decisions that I have made to the best of my ability throughout.

My favorite story in the Bible is from Genesis 37-45; the story of Joseph and the coat of many colors.  Many times I have thought about how he just kept doing the best he could in the dark places of life that his journey brought him through.  I think about how he continually tried to do the right thing by others even when he was wrongfully accused, forgotten and betrayed.  I've pondered the idea that God did not allow those situations to punish Joseph but rather to prepare him to be a leader with a tender heart and a fair hand.

I wonder if like myself he had days where he told himself  "Just Breathe"!  I bet he had to choose to forgive many people for many offenses.  I imagine that he wrestled with taking revenge on those from his past.  Mostly, I think he learned the secret of 'doing what was right because it was right' and above all I believe he chose to look ahead in his visions of the day he would no longer be in prison.

We all have emotional, physical, spiritual, financial prisons to deal with.  Those dark places where we find our selves in moments of seemingly powerlessness.  However, we breathe, we have a choice to forgive or turn bitter....a choice to think on the negative or move toward the positive. We can control our responses to the situations in which we find ourselves......we can choose faith, hope and love.

Written by Debbie Kesley


Don't Worry........Be Happy

Many people have asked me in different ways "How do you do it?  You just keep getting knocked down in life but some how you manage to get back up and keep going with a smile on your face."

Overall that is a very true statement. Maybe it is the stubborn Irish/Cherokee Indian blood that allows me to never quit .... even (especially?) on myself.  However, as much as there is a stubborn spirit inside this earthly body I call home......there is also a very tender heart.  Do I want to cry at times.........absolutely......and I do.   Do I want to sit down in a mud puddle and kick and scream at God for the seemingly injustices in my life that I just honestly don't deserve.......Damn Right I do!  These are all natural emotions and I acknowledge them, experience them and then do my best to release them to free up better experiences to come into my life.

Practically speaking it looks something like this morning. After only five short months of having my own apartment I had to move in with a friend again because of lack of work.  What few belongings I have in the world are in basements, attics and drawer spaces that are not my own.  Once again I will adjust to smells, sounds, routines and environments that are new to me and in the middle of that transition I will still be searching for work from "scratch" in a new area.

To keep my sanity I have learned a few things along the way. One of which is to stop myself. While turning around in circles trying to put my clothes and toiletries away in my new room I was feeling like a failure, depressed, frustrated and seriously anxious.  I wanted to cry (and I still will) but  more than needing to cry I needed to redirect my thoughts.  I turned off the lights in my room, took several deep, cleansing breaths and started purposely thinking about everything I had to be grateful for in the middle of this transition. 

Next, I grabbed my laptop and started looking for quotes about worry and the song Don't Worry, Be Happy came to mind.  I located it on You Tube to listen too and let it lift my spirits.

Don't Worry......Be Happy    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU          

In closing I will leave you with the quote I found:

"Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously."
Og Mandino

Debbie Kesley


Heart of Wood or Gold?

Heart of wood or heart of gold?

Heart of wood I think...........................…

How do I order one?

What will it take to no longer hurt over the disappointments and cruelties of others?

How does one get to that seemingly magical place where they no longer care?

Why not just develop a suspicious mind as opposed to believing the best in others?

Maybe in crying one more time the blood flow from the heart of gold will drain too and the empty eyes that so many women have will take their places beside the heart of wood.

The heart of wood is able to face life with an “I don’t give a shit attitude” that seems to help others breeze through life so easily from a position of dry deadness high above the blood bath inflicted in the daily wars of life below.

What are some expectations of a heart of gold? 

Expectations that a relationship will work…that an employer will have not only his best interests at heart ….that friends and family will let you dream big or pitch a bitch or cry till there is nothing left but still know that the heart of the woman is good and not judge her for the path she is on at this time? A heart of gold believes in others and in a "higher power" than themselves that allows them to be vunerable ONE more time.

Is settling for a heart of wood as opposed to a heart of gold the best path to follow?

Honestly….tonight my eyes are swollen from tears of left over divorce financial traps that were not of my doing . . . that to this very day years later continue to haunt me.

Swollen from crying and refusing the rest of another night alone in a bed for two.

Swollen from grieving the unfairness of a future that seems to know no release from both of these living nightmares.

A heart of wood or a heart of gold?

A heart that cares or a heart that does not give a care?
Sometimes a person can just get tired of trying to do the right thing.

Tired of crying because of the pain inflicted by others. 

Just tired.

Written by Debbie Kesley


A Lady Alone

Another night to face alone …..

Another television show….

Another drink.....

Another phone call…..

Another chapter in a book…..

Another walk…..

Maybe more chores. .....

Or a long hot bath.

Night time…...........................

The loneliest time of all…….

For a lady alone.

Written by Debbie Kesley


That Lonely Feeling

The one that hits you in the gut 
while sitting in a crowd and you 
realize that you are

too old to be here
too young to care
too old fashion to "get it"
too liberal to justify yourself.

The one that rips a hole in your heart
and reminds you
that once again

too pretty to be approached
too aged to be noticed
too stubborn to turn gray
too independent to beg.

That loneliness which
seeps out of 
every pore of your being

too strong to deny
too loud to silence
too alive to bury
too needy to stop.

That loneliness who
at times takes its 
stand in your emotions

too demanding to ignore
too fierce to escape
too wise to be silenced
too powerful to subdue.

Written by Debbie Kesley


Icy Hearts

Icy Hearts

Like a winter storm
life sometimes blows in
with a snow flake here and there
getting your attention.

Those few snow flakes 
become many in number
and what was once beauty
becomes a thing to dread.

Layer upon layer .....
foundations which were once solid 
and dependable become unsteady
unpredictable and even treacherous.

We crawl under the covers
seeking comfort for a time but 
yet the snow becomes icy
much like the hearts of some we know.

Layer upon layer of 
encrusted , frozen, slippery elements
that defy all of nature to do anything
other than step back and wait.

Wait for a season of time 
to pass - bringing some resemblance
of warmth to melt the layers
of an unwelcomed storm.

The sun appears, the icy layers
eventually melt into the
ground below.......
nurturing and preparing for growth.

with a face toward the 
sky and the sun
breathing in the fresh air of renewal.

Written by Debbie Kesley