Feeling Of Numbness?

A scene from the movie Out Of the Woods:

[Setting.....the "crazy old Grandfather" has taken his 30 year old city-lawyer Grandson out into the woods and left him over night with the reminder of "If you were to get lost, how you find your way back"  The Grandfather excuses himself to go to the bathroom and leaves the Grandson out in the woods by himself. The Grandson finds his way back home the next morning and is livid with his Grandfather!]

Grandson: "If you are trying to kill me I wish you would go ahead and get it over with....I can't stand the suspense!"

Grandfather: "Trying to Kill you....? 

That's the last thing I was trying to do.

How did you feel last night?"

Grandpa grabs him by the blazer and yanks him forward into his face and asks "How do you feel now?"

Grandson: "What the hell are you talking about you raving lunatic?"
Grandpa slaps him across the face and grabs his shirt in both hands.... "listen..... last night you felt alive.....

you feel alive now...

last night you felt fear....

right now you are experiencing anger....

maybe for the first time you FEEL ALIVE.....

Kill you? ???

Hell....I just saved your miserable life!"

Wow...... how true that has been for God in my life. How many times have I been the Grandson in this story and how I have learned over time that "hell.....God was just saving my miserable life".......and yes.....over the last several years I have felt alive! 

I have accused my Maker of forsaking me, hurting me, not fulfilling His word to me and even hating me. 

All the while....He was just letting me die to myself, die to my preconceived ideas of what I thought was best for me and my children and most of all - dying to the image of me I thought He and the world wanted me to be.

No, the feeling of being alone and afraid was no fun. The anger that I had to work through took many months and years of counseling....many, many tears.....a few good friends and a lot of determination that I was going to only "rent" to this emotion...these feelings.
...but I absolutely refused to let it "own" a place in my heart or life. 

Funny how so many times now that I hear people are drawn to my smile.....my giggle. At times I surprise myself at how silly I can be....it bubbles over from inside of me. 

I have been to the depths of the "woods" and was mad as hell at God Himself for "leaving me there." Now I would not trade the experience for anything! 

I feel alive! 

Better yet....I am alive and able to see the deadness in others. Maybe..... just maybe a word of encouragement for them.....one moment in time when I am allowed to grab them and shake them up a little because I know that it is the only way out of the woods and I hope one day... they too might have giggles that bubble out from deep within or pray they dance like no one is watching because they really don't care if others watch... or not.....because they are dancing the dance of life!

Feeling the fire......and dancing the dance of Life......

Written by  Debbie Kesley


Ownership of Fear (or) Ownership of Faith.....that is the question.....

That statement is so simple but yet so profound .

Six years ago, in one fell statement,  I became unemployed, an empty nester, homeless, divorced and without a church family  in a decision that was totally outside of my control and influence.  Those I ate with, educated, slept with, played with, cooked for, worshiped with, cleaned up after and centered my life around were no longer in the "life as I knew it" category.

D-Day (Divorce Day) had paid an unexpected visit at my doorsteps and left a bomb that set off the last 23 years of my life. My entire adult life that is.  Gone......gone like 9-11 gone....up in smoke. Do not pass Go....do not collect $200 gone. Decision made, no discussion, no warning......just gone.

Honestly, I believed that my  strong 'Faith' would solve it all.  I even remember being so pissed-off in the shower that I challenged the devil himself to hit me with his best shot .......and he did. (not recommended for those viewers at home).

Since that time I have had to re-adjust a lot of "faith views" in my life.  My faith has been renewed to include the Right and Perfect outcome in situations - even through divorce - or even because of divorce but honestly there was still some remnant of fear that has lingered beneath the surface.

The fear of loss.

I know this because in the Universe of Restoration, my now adult kids are sometimes used as reminders that not all was truly lost.  My daughter and I have actually ended up on the same faith journey in a lot of ways and we talk about what our experiences, faith and fears are.  Recently we were having time together at a Mexican Diner and talking and she looked at me with her Empathic Abilities and said, "Mom ....do you think you have a fear of loss?"

Bingo.........she nailed it on the head......a fear that I had not even knew existed until the tears started rolling out of no where. Like a mini-near death experience and in a flash I realized that I had not taken out this emotional piece of garbage.  I saw those 23 years flash before my eyes and the loss that came with it.  That perception of reality was stinking up every positive affirmation I was working towards in my life.

The intensity of the moment surprised her as much as it did me I believe.  But we seized that moment and squeezed all the juice out of it we could.  I wanted her to write it down because I was too busy trying on my sunglasses and looking for kleenex!

"You have every right to have complete ownership of all that you desire - there is no room for fear of it being taken away because your life is so incredibly abundant!"  Kesley Faye

Those words have haunted me for the last couple of months and I find myself asking if I am making job search choices, friendship choices and life choices based out of fear or the faith of a Universe that is so incredibly abundant?

Choices out of plenty or out of want?

It changes the entire dynamics of the question of what we truly want whether we are looking at the question from a fear based lens or a faith based lens.

I want to live NO FEAR - GOT FAITH!

Written by  Debbie Kesley