If I were to wish upon a star and my life looked like something idea it would look something like this...........
I would meet and marry my soul mate and experience the next half of life truly connected with someone I love, understand and admire for the first time in my life. This man would have put as much effort into his life work as I put into mine as trying to be a godly wife, mother and homeschool mom for 23 years. Because of this man's reputation before God and man I would be able to trust that he would always be a man of integrity and because of that trust feel safe in an unspoken dream.
The dream of being a helpmate. Funny that after what I have been through I would even consider that as an option but in my heart of hearts I currently desire the freedom to write and travel when he travels and meet different people who talk about life's issues. I want to write about all of those.
This man would have resources and the heart to help others and I could start ministry/housing centers for hurting women. Places where it is okay to cry or take a kick boxing class because if you don't work out the anger it will follow you into sickness and disease later on. Places where women come together for nutritious meals as opposed to sitting in front of a lonely television another night nibbling at whatever is still left in the refrigerator.
Is it possible to believe in a dream that was so tortured from past experience that the thought of resurrection seems almost lunatic? Is this possibly what the bible refers to when it speaks of "unless a seed fall to the ground and dies it cannot bear fruit"? Every dream, every day of 23 years of the last 42 years seemed to have died over night.
However in the death, the grief, the anger (even recent), the torturous shedding of layer after layer of ones very identity and belief system to the very core of my soul has been nothing shy of dying to ones' self.
Like the corn seed that somehow manages to sprout beneath the pile of cow squirt that has been burst upon it I am coming back. With the grace of God I have managed to peek my little fragile stem of self out of the cracked soil and reached for random rays of sunshine and sprinkles of rain. In the mist of seasons of drought I have still survived. Some of my kernels of harvest have indeed been dry but overall the harvest is looking strong.
Maybe the Master Gardener has just "rotated crops" when it comes to the man in my life when He took me from the hands of one poor, inattentive farmer and placed me in the future hands of another one who will invest in me as one who is capable of producing great yields not only in the Farmer's life but in the community at large.
If I were to wish upon a star..........................................
Written by Debbie Kesley