Father's Day Card

To those who have the Father who maybe has abused you, left you as a child, rejected you as an adult, expected you to make up for those expectations he had of your mother. For those who have earthly fathers who left the family, or those who had fathers who were never home......you know what I'm talking about.  

This poem was written in one of my darker moments three years ago. Since then I have learned that these times DO PASS as we apply life lessons such as  

'The Fifth Agreement' by Don Miguel Riuz  
"Don’t Take Anything Personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering."

She knew.

She knew the moment she hung her head in shame before asking for help

That her father would reject her.

Blame her

Shame her for some real or imagined fault that led her to this place.

This time however the woman was stronger than the weaker child within

And when the shame came

Although she cried,

She stood tall within before

She uttered the words “I need to say goodbye now.”

No more.

No more blame.

No more shame.

No more whipping the abandoned child within for an adult decision that was forced upon her.

Today she is a woman.

Not only a woman but a survivor.

An abandoned child of a father who in more ways than one turned his back on her.

So who is this man she is calling Daddy?

Daddy?

Was he the one who held her as the hurts of life came?

Does she call him when the times get tough because she knows he will comfort her?

If out of a home, food and medicine will he be a strong hand that reaches out in the financial storm?

When her husband leaves will he affirm her as a capable, loveable strong woman who picked a weak man?

Daddy……… no……she does not have a daddy.

Those years are gone.

She does have a heavenly Father who wrapped a warm invisible blanket around her in the dead of night.

She has a Pappa  Bear who gives everything that a daughter truly needs.

She is not abandoned.

She has just come to the mirror of life

And the reflection has shown a woman who was ready to hear

The words that a child could not handle.

“I am sorry that things could not have been different.”

“I will always love you.”

A man knows his mind she has learned.

When a man says something….listen and believe him.

Her  birth father has said goodbye.

Let Go.

Let God.

Make peace with yourself and

Move on to the happiness and love within
It is more than enough.

Written by:

Debbie Kesley

If I Were To Wish Upon A Star

If I were to wish upon a star and my life looked like something idea it would look something like this...........

I would meet and marry my soul mate and experience the next half of life truly connected with someone I love, understand and admire for the first time in my life. This man would have put as much effort into his life work as I put into mine as trying to be a godly wife, mother and homeschool mom for 23 years. Because of this man's reputation before God and man I would be able to trust that he would always be a man of integrity and because of that trust feel safe in an unspoken dream.

The dream of being a helpmate. Funny that after what I have been through I would even consider that as an option but in my heart of hearts I currently desire the freedom to write and travel when he travels and meet different people who talk about life's issues. I want to write about all of those.

This man would have resources and the heart to help others and I could start ministry/housing centers for hurting women. Places where it is okay to cry or take a kick boxing class because if you don't work out the anger it will follow you into sickness and disease later on. Places where women come together for nutritious meals as opposed to sitting in front of a lonely television another night nibbling at whatever is still left in the refrigerator.

Is it possible to believe in a dream that was so tortured from past experience that the thought of resurrection seems almost lunatic? Is this possibly what the bible refers to when it speaks of "unless a seed fall to the ground and dies it cannot bear fruit"? Every dream, every day of 23 years of the last 42 years seemed to have died over night.

However in the death, the grief, the anger (even recent), the torturous shedding of layer after layer of ones very identity and belief system to the very core of my soul has been nothing shy of dying to ones' self.

Like the corn seed that somehow manages to sprout beneath the pile of cow squirt that has been burst upon it I am coming back. With the grace of God I have managed to peek my little fragile stem of self out of the cracked soil and reached for random rays of sunshine and sprinkles of rain. In the mist of seasons of drought I have still survived. Some of my kernels of harvest have indeed been dry but overall the harvest is looking strong.

Maybe the Master Gardener has just "rotated crops" when it comes to the man in my life when He took me from the hands of one poor, inattentive farmer and placed me in the future hands of another one who will invest in me as one who is capable of producing great yields not only in the Farmer's life but in the community at large.

If I were to wish upon a star..........................................


Written by Debbie Kesley

Anchored On the Edge of Life

Journal entry from April 2008 as the most reflective time of my life - graciously on the windy beach of Santa Cruz, California.

I feel I am so much like the sail boat that has been anchored at the edge of the ocean.

As much "on" the ocean as the yachts, cruise boats, otters and "surfer dudes" who move beyond that which is anchored. Stalled. 

Positioned and waiting for what? 

To journey where?

There is a part of me that desires to see the mast raise and the boat sail away ....maybe when that boat sails it will be a sign to me that the time of anchoring and rest has ended for me as well.

I feel like that boat....alone and yet a focal point of something yet to come. The power to sail is there...yet restrained during a waiting time in the journey to something unseen.

In the middle of the scene... a front row view of the action....yet forced to stay still.

Surrounded by wild life - surfers in groups representing those who know their purpose in life...the human surfer...the whales...the sea lion....the otter. I see them all as they go past the anchored boat and I wonder how their intention in life is so seemingly clear to them that it is what they seem to do without thought or worry.

Of of this playing out of destiny surrounded by the enormous sky and sea that captures the majesty of The Creator.

Myself like the boat I ponder. We are both seemingly small, yet great at some level. Weak yet courageous. Silent but shouting something very loud in the stillness just in the waiting. Free yet anchored.

Surfers come and go - boats race by and sea creatures seem aware but the boat stays anchored , never sailing , held tight by an unseen force beneath the water's depth.

Held back till the perfect time to be set free to sail , navigate and journey through the waves of live's unknown destiny.

As I expectantly await the day of it's release I wonder about it's journey. I wonder about mine.


Written by Debbie Kesley, 

Breathe......Just Breathe!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUKO6yOWm-g&feature=related

Please click on the link above and watch Ryan Star's Video > Breathe

One day this will be an old entry and I expect to be in an entirely different place than today....but today I choose to be vulnerable in my writings.

I have thought so many times about how I came to the place I am today.....what could I have done differently?  I've been judged critically by my birth father and even at times those friends who are closest to me.  I have also been loved to pieces by my real Pappa and housed, fed and treated like a queen by friends who have reached out at times when I felt like giving up.

I've learned to give that 19 year old a break for marrying young - she believed in love.  I've congratulated the 21 year old for in the mist of some very challenging circumstances she raised two great kids who are affecting society in a positive way.  I've developed ways of comforting the middle aged divorcee and held her hand while she grieved and learned to face an entire different world than the one she had known for 23 years. I've looked in the mirror at the new person in front of me and honestly been able to say "You Rock!"  Those are some of the journey stages that I have gone through.....my journey.....only my life and it's crazy twists and turns.....decisions that I have made to the best of my ability throughout.

My favorite story in the Bible is from Genesis 37-45; the story of Joseph and the coat of many colors.  Many times I have thought about how he just kept doing the best he could in the dark places of life that his journey brought him through.  I think about how he continually tried to do the right thing by others even when he was wrongfully accused, forgotten and betrayed.  I've pondered the idea that God did not allow those situations to punish Joseph but rather to prepare him to be a leader with a tender heart and a fair hand.


I wonder if like myself he had days where he told himself  "Just Breathe"!  I bet he had to choose to forgive many people for many offenses.  I imagine that he wrestled with taking revenge on those from his past.  Mostly, I think he learned the secret of 'doing what was right because it was right' and above all I believe he chose to look ahead in his visions of the day he would no longer be in prison.

We all have emotional, physical, spiritual, financial prisons to deal with.  Those dark places where we find our selves in moments of seemingly powerlessness.  However, we breathe, we have a choice to forgive or turn bitter....a choice to think on the negative or move toward the positive. We can control our responses to the situations in which we find ourselves......we can choose faith, hope and love.

Written by Debbie Kesley

Don't Worry........Be Happy

Many people have asked me in different ways "How do you do it?  You just keep getting knocked down in life but some how you manage to get back up and keep going with a smile on your face."


Overall that is a very true statement. Maybe it is the stubborn Irish/Cherokee Indian blood that allows me to never quit .... even (especially?) on myself.  However, as much as there is a stubborn spirit inside this earthly body I call home......there is also a very tender heart.  Do I want to cry at times.........absolutely......and I do.   Do I want to sit down in a mud puddle and kick and scream at God for the seemingly injustices in my life that I just honestly don't deserve.......Damn Right I do!  These are all natural emotions and I acknowledge them, experience them and then do my best to release them to free up better experiences to come into my life.


Practically speaking it looks something like this morning. After only five short months of having my own apartment I had to move in with a friend again because of lack of work.  What few belongings I have in the world are in basements, attics and drawer spaces that are not my own.  Once again I will adjust to smells, sounds, routines and environments that are new to me and in the middle of that transition I will still be searching for work from "scratch" in a new area.


To keep my sanity I have learned a few things along the way. One of which is to stop myself. While turning around in circles trying to put my clothes and toiletries away in my new room I was feeling like a failure, depressed, frustrated and seriously anxious.  I wanted to cry (and I still will) but  more than needing to cry I needed to redirect my thoughts.  I turned off the lights in my room, took several deep, cleansing breaths and started purposely thinking about everything I had to be grateful for in the middle of this transition. 


Next, I grabbed my laptop and started looking for quotes about worry and the song Don't Worry, Be Happy came to mind.  I located it on You Tube to listen too and let it lift my spirits.


Don't Worry......Be Happy    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU          


In closing I will leave you with the quote I found:


"Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously."
Og Mandino

Debbie Kesley

Heart of Wood or Gold?

Heart of wood or heart of gold?

Heart of wood I think...........................…

How do I order one?

What will it take to no longer hurt over the disappointments and cruelties of others?

How does one get to that seemingly magical place where they no longer care?

Why not just develop a suspicious mind as opposed to believing the best in others?

Maybe in crying one more time the blood flow from the heart of gold will drain too and the empty eyes that so many women have will take their places beside the heart of wood.

The heart of wood is able to face life with an “I don’t give a shit attitude” that seems to help others breeze through life so easily from a position of dry deadness high above the blood bath inflicted in the daily wars of life below.

What are some expectations of a heart of gold? 

Expectations that a relationship will work…that an employer will have not only his best interests at heart ….that friends and family will let you dream big or pitch a bitch or cry till there is nothing left but still know that the heart of the woman is good and not judge her for the path she is on at this time? A heart of gold believes in others and in a "higher power" than themselves that allows them to be vunerable ONE more time.

Is settling for a heart of wood as opposed to a heart of gold the best path to follow?

Honestly….tonight my eyes are swollen from tears of left over divorce financial traps that were not of my doing . . . that to this very day years later continue to haunt me.

Swollen from crying and refusing the rest of another night alone in a bed for two.

Swollen from grieving the unfairness of a future that seems to know no release from both of these living nightmares.

A heart of wood or a heart of gold?

A heart that cares or a heart that does not give a care?
Sometimes a person can just get tired of trying to do the right thing.

Tired of crying because of the pain inflicted by others. 

Just tired.


Written by Debbie Kesley

A Lady Alone

Another night to face alone …..

Another television show….

Another drink.....

Another phone call…..

Another chapter in a book…..

Another walk…..

Maybe more chores. .....

Or a long hot bath.


Night time…...........................

The loneliest time of all…….

For a lady alone.


Written by Debbie Kesley