2014 My Journey My Way

"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

Brad Paisley  

This past year may have totally SUCKED for you.  Every day to show up for work or to look for work may have been all that you could do.  Maybe you lost a loved one to death or divorce.  Maybe your body is changing in ways that challenge your Spirit to its core.  I get that ....all of it. 

Now I'm going to let you in on a little secret.  

It took me 8 years to accomplish.

I didn't eat out, and only bought the very basic clothes for 8 years.

I did not take dance lessons for 8 years or pay to go on a vacation of any sort.

I humbly stayed in other friend’s and family’s homes many times for free or very little as I looked for employment.

This 8 year journey started the day my spouse of 23 years walked out without any warning.  My family of four that I had built with my heart and given my entire adult life to since the age of 19, was forever changed by the one person on the face of the earth who had sworn to love and keep me.  My personal 9-11 had blown up around me and all I could do was cry a lot, move one of my two kids with me to a different home, cry some more, smash some wedding china, get counseling and get a job.

My work experience to that point had been home school wife and mother with 1 year office experience. 

This 8 year journey also came smack-dab at the beginning of the worst economy and hopes for a job America has seen in a long time.

HEY………….THAT WAS EASY COMPARED TO………………

Another unexpected gift I was given.  

Since age 19 I had innocently and ignorantly signed “married filing jointly” and after the divorce I learned I was the proud co-owner of a substantial IRS debt.

And so the journey began.

About 1 year after the divorce I put the Kleenex box down, stopped bawling, shaking with dread and started getting in touch with the IRS.  I was innocent….surely we could work something out…right?

Several months were spent attempting to claim Innocent Spouse Relief.  I was honest….provided my banking account information, my new job information and guess what?   The IRS said “no” and went to levy my last job and took the money from my checking account.  They did stay in touch with many follow up letters.

Next, I hired an attorney who printed off government forms, charged me quite a bit of money and basically said “go get ‘em Tiger”!  I invested about two solid weeks (unemployed at the time) filling out paperwork, applying for tax records and such.  

Again, I was innocent, this was NOT my responsibility and I had a legal document honored by the State that declared so.  The IRS said “no” and sent an IRS Officer to my door with a new package to fill out. 

I called the Officer the next day and set up an appointment to meet in Atlanta.  The paper work was filled out, usually over some wine and tissues while feeling really sorry for myself…..but I faced her anyway.  Waited for months and during that time got rejection after rejection letter and then a payment plan option that was ridiculous to attempt to accomplish on my earnings as an Administrative Temp.  Again, I had honestly given them my information.  This time they said “no” and seized the money from my account and bombarded me with nasty notes on a monthly basis.

Ah……the choice to become better or to become bitter was a daily dose of medicine to my soul.

I may be honest but I am also street-smart.  At this point the realization that honesty will get you a home in a cardboard box under a bridge when dealing with those with no integrity sank in.

Something in me wanted to clear my name more than anything.   So began my journey of strict financial living but more than that; a journey of the heart unfolded.

I had the rejection of a spouse.  Rejection of interview after interview in a tough economy multiplied with the IRS literally showing up at my door.  Looking back I honestly don’t know how I made it to fight one more time.

It took about 4 years to pull together the $3,750.00  to hire Freedom Tax Relief. And another year to save for the “Cash Offer In Compromise.”  I continued to fear that I would not get to my bank account fast enough before the IRS got to my check every pay day.  I feared opening the door to another IRS Officer.  I feared my job being levied again.  

This past year between Freedom Tax Relief and the support of my best friend I went one more final round of paper work and received the Release from the debt with my Offer In Compromise.

Was it fair that I had to take responsibility for a debt that was not legally mine in the moral or State of GA legal system?  No.

However, just like the Divorce, the IRS Debt was a tool that I could choose to dig my own grave with or dig my way out of the grave I was dumped into.

I dug out Baby!

I am stronger and wiser than ever before.  Yes, it called for emotional journeys that I often wondered if I would make it through.  It called for demanding that even if just in words, I would choose to speak forgiveness that was contrary to the feelings in my heart…..somehow I would learn to forgive because my kids and I are worth it.  

It took 3 times.  3 Different Battles!  

But I beat the IRS.  

I won.  

I’m free.  

My name has been restored.

I don’t scare that easy any more.  I even told one fellow bullying employee that if I could survive a divorce and survive the IRS I could survive him!

Freedom.

Release.

Strength.

Determination…..even if it is when you say to yourself out loud “Just breath damn it!”

Choices….every moment…..every day…..every month….year after year. 

Like a butterfly coming out of a tight cocoon, the journey squeezed me, wrapped me in darkness, left me lonely, impaired my vision to a world of light and beauty, and imprisoned those wings that were genetically created to fly until they were strong enough.

Struggle ……does not last forever.

I'm flying again!  My wings are developing, getting stronger and my eyes are adjusting to the many people, places and things of beauty that can be trusted to rest on and in.

This coming year 2014 will be the first year that I have not been a child in my parent’s home, or the wife of a man in charge of the finances.

Tomorrow begins the first year in my entire life that the book and the pen I have been given are new and fresh and only my name is embossed on the cover.  

As quoted by Brad Paisley, "Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

Written by Debbie Kesley

....Quick - Quick......Slow, Slow

Fox Trot...quick -quick ......slow, slow............but the Tango must be earned!

A reminder from one of my favorite movies Take The Lead..........

a movie about the intricate dance of life where we learn respect, boundaries, trust and hope in something magical that is within reach for each of us despite the position we were born into or the lack of opportunities available to us up to this point in our life.

Our role is to decide to "show up!"

So, what are you showing up for?

Do you believe in anything magical?

What life music draws your Spirit forward to live and move and have your being?

Are you dancing ................or just shooting spit balls in the detention center of life?

Coming Home to Self for the Holidays

As we approach that time of year when we are bombarded with Hallmark Family shows depicting a perfect family, and

commercials of happy whole families eating feasts 

while smiling lovingly between each morsel of food, 

you may roll your eyes and call "Bull Crap!"

For some of us .......the children have grown up and the spouse has moved on to find himself elsewhere and every year we have a choice to make as we bring out the decorations.  A choice much bigger than how to decorate the mantle and a tree but rather, a choice of how to cherish the old memories while growing into the new world we have arrived in.

The pictures of our "babies" bring back mothering instincts that in some cases have no outlet for a season.  Memories run around in our minds similar to an island of misfit toys, as we transition back into the reality of our "babies" are now young adults with jobs to work and other relatives to divide their time and love with.

So we can choose to demand that Father Time give us back the life we recall and become bitter ...or...we can choose to change and be happy in those changes.

I had collected an angel every year for the Christmas tree and those were replaced with Elves that are uniquely me.  The 'traditional' holiday meals that were practiced for 23 years feel like an insult to my senses now that the family unit was no more, so I do something different every year in food.  The traditional "It's A Wonderful Life" has been replaced with "Elf" and the eggnog is generously spiked with Rum now that the children are adults.

I think we each have a choice as we face the holidays.  We can attempt to manipulate and demand that those we love share a particular day on the calendar with us or we can practice the acceptance of the variety of wonderful people who cross our paths after the Big D, or after our children are grown and be happy in the moments that we are graced with others who reach out to us as we redefine who we are.   

Going home for the holidays becomes a choice of turning from depression to moving towards all that represents coming home to ourselves.  It's time to let go......let go of preconceived ideas of what makes a "Great Thanksgiving" or a "Merry Christmas" and worry more about what about what makes an awesome and joyful ME that will draw our loved ones back over time and in the meanwhile silence the accusations that Santa has left the building and things will never be the same.

It's true - things will never be the same...........but that does not mean that they are bad...just different. As we come home to our true selves through every season of our life and we choose to focus on the good in each and every situation...

then the holiday spirit will be alive and well....as will we.

Go home.....to yourself......and find your happiness there and share it with anybody and everybody who would love to receive it....and in so doing new memories are made to cherish.  

  

What YOU see in yourself is What you ARE! Define It and Grow!

"What we are 

contributes much more to our happiness than what we have.   

What we are in ourselves, 

what accompanies us ........

when we are alone, 

what no one can give us 

or

take away, 

is obviously more essential to us 

then everything 

we have in the way of possessions, 

or even 

what we may be in the eyes of the world." 

Arthur Schopenhauer

Ever had to really, really and truly 

DIG DEEP

.....deeeeeep into the resources of the

very character of yourself?  

Have you been exposed to the sort of 

"in your face" 

realities that blind side with no notice?  

The blows of reality that change life as you have known it.... basically over night? 

The kind like , say, in the game Monopoly 

when you draw the card "do not pass go - do not collect two-hundred dollars." 

You have absolutely no say in the matter. 

You have been "defined" through a spouse, parent, boss, friend, lover, .....

the list goes on........ 

The "eyes of the world as you have known it lens" has turned it's blurry,   self-projected lens on you.

Crap.......it happens........tag...you are it!!"

However,

when I stopped to take this picture

I wondered to myself  ... 

................who...............

sets the standards of definition

for this situation beneath my camera lens?  

I see beauty, strength, color, and a sense of defeating the odds..........

What I see in this situation is a flower .....

not

a weed.  

I also chose to give thanks for my inner beauty, 

my strength of character, my colorful Spirit and my determined spirit to beat the odds .

The God in me has determined that, 

even contrary to "eyes of the world" opinions that change like the wind blowing in the breeze;

I am a flower.......and as I know the truth about myself.....

I will choose to stand tall in whatever weedy soil that may surround me at that given  moment and space in time.....

AND THEN.....................................

I will still and forever be defined as a

flower of the Universe 

and that is all that really matters AND contributes to my happiness, 

as well as, 

the aroma of beauty from the happiness I share with those 

who look for the flowering strength and beauty in me!

Dig Deep for the real character of you... .....

What YOU see in yourself is what you are! 

Define it and GROW!


Written by  Debbie Kesley

The Second Chance Necklace

Keep on driving girl, you can do this!  I am really on my way to see him again after thirty long years!  If I keep repeating these words out loud maybe my brain will be able to register this crazy fact. I whimsically caress the gift he had given me at age seventeen.  A simple gold, cross necklace is now the magical link connecting us again.  Could we possibly be getting a second chance?

“Dang it Jean!” she interrupts my thoughts of romance again as my blasted cell phone rings next to me.  I giggle, unsure of who is more excited about this reunion between me and her cousin – me or her?   “Where are you now?” she wants to know for the umpteenth time.  “I’m still in Georgia” I answer while smiling. ‘This’ is all her fault!  She is the one who introduced me and My Guy in a different time and place.

Those memories wash over me like a tsunami with each mile I drive closer to this man of my past.  For a middle-aged woman who easily forgets what I ate for lunch yesterday the recollection of this long lost romance is undeniably clear.

My Guy's shy grin had beamed my way for the first time at age seventeen.  He had driven to Barbara’s home to meet me for a blind date.  While I nervously checked out his muscular body filling the door frame, my vision must have been working overtime as my eyes bugged out of my head.  He was six years older and the closest thing to The Hulk I had ever seen in my small, southern town in Alabama.

He was not what I was used to in a date. This guy even had a full grown beard!  I mentally compared him with my high school boyfriend, and realized that my boyfriend's idea of breaking up and dating other people may actually be brilliant.

As I sat on the passenger’s side in My Guy's truck, I noticed the smell of his Cool Breeze Cologne as we chatted.  Later, we shared a pepperoni pizza and ice cold Cokes while I laughed at his Southern, “corny” sense of humor.  His bulky muscles and full grown beard started reminding me more of a gentle giant than The Hulk.

A boyish grin caused me to softly relax in his presence more and more as the weeks quickly passed by.

“You want to see me cheer at our basketball game, I ask My Guy?”  I knew the ‘yes’ answer before I asked it.  If I only knew what that strange warm feeling was in the pit of my stomach whenever I was with him. It was several dates later and I still wondered.

My long blond hair, green eyes and pretty smile worked magic with the short, navy blue cheerleading uniform I wore.  The basketball game reached half time and he grabbed my hand to sneak off for some moments alone together.

The taste of his gentle passionate kisses and the feel of his soft beard in my hands were thrilling.  As we made out in the back seat of my old brown Vega, he was every bit the gentleman.  Protected and warmed by his strong arms on a cold night I lingered in the feeling of his embrace.

We had to rush back to the gym. Just outside the entrance, he let go of my hand and nervously took a new, gold cross necklace from around his neck to remember him by.  The next day he had to leave and we were out of time together.  I had to stay and finish another year of high school.

He stowed away a piece of my heart as he joined the Navy and went to sea.  We made promises to write and call each other during our time apart.

Seeing me and My Guy together at the gym stirred both memories and jealousy in my old boyfriend.  With My Guy now away at sea, the opportunities for the highschool boyfriend to work his way back into my life were many and he worked diligently.

Months passed and I went back steady with my highschool boyfriend and accepted his gold necklace gift with the assurance I’d get rid of the one My Guy had given me.  It just made sense to have a boyfriend in town with proms, senior trips and school dances coming up.  The entire school seemed to think my highschool boyfriend and I were perfect together.

“What is this feeling in the pit of my stomach?” I ask myself as I told Jean my decision.  Cowardly, I let her be the one to tell My Guy the break up news. I could not even pick up the phone.  Neither did I want to throw away the gift of the necklace from my gentle giant.  I secretly asked her to save it for me.

After graduation I lost touch with Jean and lost touch with My Guy.  Twenty nine years later Jean and I reunited through Facebook.  

She called months later and asked “Guess who I have on the other end of the line?”  I could tell by her voice I was in for a surprise. Little did I know it was My Guy and he was single again too!   She had seen the old necklace among her things and decided to call her long lost cousin.

This reunion was all ‘her fault’ again!

Now as I glance in the rearview mirror, my mind is spinning with thoughts. I observe the wrinkles on my forehead and the beginning of crow's feet around my eyes. “There’s no way that I am going to chicken out over a few wrinkles and additional tummy fluff” I articulate out loud.  “I am a beautiful woman inside and out” I verbally remind myself.

North Carolina is behind me and Virginia is for lovers with only one more hour to drive.  Thirty more minutes to go, this is really happening!   By golly, I am no longer a shy seventeen year old and that man is going to get a kiss that could curl the toes on a gorilla.

The anticipation is causing my heart to pound.  My neck is flushed and my hands shake with the unknowns still yet to be discovered as I hurriedly step out of my car.

There he stands in the lobby!  I see a handsome, muscular man eagerly waiting for me with the same nervous, shy, boyish grin and big brown eyes.

The saying “I may be older, but I’m not dead yet” best describes my feelings.  Recently ignored hormones are returning to life at the embodiment of a man that I was not quite ready for in my youth.  I fling my arms around his neck and like an excited teen grabs his honey’s hand to ride the roller coaster at the fair, Buddy whisks me outside.  We share a delicious kiss on Cracker Barrel’s country porch as this retired Navy man declares, "I knew it would still be good -I just knew it!"

Thirty years later, we are sitting in the truck side by side driving under a star-lit sky.  It is intoxicating to re-explore the scent of his Cool Breeze Cologne while we make small talk and grin back and forth like Cheshire cats.  Even the very cells in our hands seem to go into memory re-call as we alternate between gentle caresses and death grips.

While enjoying time together at his farm, it feels like we are in two parallel worlds. We never stop touching each other.  The past and the present dance back and forth in a waltz of the hearts seemingly making up for lost years and regrets for past decisions.

He fingers the magical necklace around my neck as we snuggle on the couch.  “I bought this for you but I wanted you to have the feeling that because I wore it first, you might want to wear it…..I know, crazy stuff!” My Guy confesses with a slight blush.

I’m thinking the “crazy stuff” may have been me and my decision to break up with this man back then.

This is an interesting dance of sorts; the one of past and present uniting together.  Like an airbrushed female in a girly magazine, it is tricky to determine where reality ends and imagination begins.  

Exploring the possibilities while relaxing in his arms, it is nice to feel cherished and desired as a single woman. The glowing feeling in the pit of my stomach is rekindled as it warms like a glass of wine after a stressful day.  I recall the gentle giant who held me on another cold night in the back seat of my old brown Vega.

I secretly smile knowing that I do not have to push love here or anywhere. Like the necklace - I have grown older and tarnished a bit. Love knows where, when, and with whom it is going as it takes its own sweet time.

Love may even find its way back around as a perfect second chance.


Written by Debbie Kesley

Why Am I Doing Life the Way I Am Doing It?

True, I am nearing age 50 and maybe it is a midlife crisis so to speak; however, I cannot shake the feeling of how utterly ridiculous it is to be so excited to have 3 days this week/month/quarter in a row of life to call my own.

Seriously??

We as a society are so thrilled to be allowed 3 consecutive days of life to do with what we please. We all race out the door to bully each other off the road to pick up the kids, to rush to a wonderful weekend vacation, to come back home tired and cranky because that is the only chance we have?

Are we slaves or are we free?

I've not always had this particular journey in the work force. In my previous life I was married. I birthed, raised and homeschooled my two kids until the oldest was a senior in highschool. 

Now, as a single woman I am learning how to function in the "man's world" to earn my daily bread.  Not that I never worked....I actually got a work permit at age 14 to take my first hostessing job at Shoneys. I worked 40 hours every week of my senior year in highschool and then continued to work till my first child was born.

Those who know me know I am not a lazy person but for the most part it appears as tho most people are unhappy.....if not miserable in their jobs.  As a temp I have been in a lot of different places and been privy to several "bird's eye" views of the regulars.

So, my question is "why?"

Why am I doing life the way I am doing it?

Why are you doing life the way you are doing it?

Are you happy?  Do you have time to think, sleep, rest, walk, write, read, dance, hold a grandchild, write a song, exercise, cook a favorite dish from scratch for someone you care about?

Why do I pay outrages gas prices to drive to a high stress job that does not pay enough to live on? Why do I pay over rated prices to live in an apartment to drive to a high stress job that does not pay enough to live on?  Why do I shop at a near by grocery store that sells food to me I could grow for pennies on a dollar to have the energy to drive to a high stress job that does not pay enough to live on, to spend another 45 min in traffic to drive home to an over priced apartment located just close enough to start the entire insanity over again.

5 out of 7 entire days of my life I exchange for this so called "privilege to have a job". 

Personally,  I feel like there has got to be a better way.

For me and my house  (Me, Myself and I) there is going to be a change.

I'm taking my life back. 

Are you? 

focusing my thoughts downstream

Downstream Thoughts

Written by Debbie Kesley

Bobbing on a float of vivid images toward a destination

of all that feels good.

I release my wandering thoughts downstream.

The life flow of all Universal forces

lap gentle and soothing undercurrents to

guide and sustain me on my natural way.

Surges of energy present moments when

urges to grab and cling to past strong holds in my

memory still tempts me upstream to the familiar.

Aware of a powerful eruption of contrast between

my common emotional shores and the desire in which I

was born to flow and choose to venture.

Oars of direction are anchored between my ears with each

and every thought I give my attention to.

Familiar calls to join the popular and hypnotic communal

bonfire of the crowd demand my participation; however,

I surrender to the unknown bend around the corner where

Spirit calls my soul downstream to my place of joy and peace.

With a deep sigh and trusting heart,

I embrace the direction of the natural flow of my life.

Releasing the death grip to dying branches along the way

that no longer supports this Guided journey towards

all that is uniquely Me by

focusing my thoughts downstream.